Everything seems a bit surreal. I, myself, feel as if I am functioning at half capacity at best. I hear what everyone says to me. I feel like I answer in an intelligent manner and then I promptly forget what I’ve said and how I reacted. For instance, my granddaughter #2 told me that her mother didn’t allow them to cry. Inside, I’m screaming ” that is stupid!”. Outside I tell her “it’s OK to cry honey”. By the next morning I was sure I had to talk to her and apologize for screaming to her that her momma was stupid and that it was OK to cry. So, we got a few minutes of relative calm while I was making her dinner. Her brother was eating and her sister and dad were out. I told her that I didn’t really remember what I said to her when she told me that her momma wouldn’t let them cry. She smiled and said “oh, you just said it was OK to cry”. Whew!
Everything seems to be going like that at this point. The same granddaughter told me last night that she wants to die so that she can see her momma. I have no recollection of what I told her. I was in shock, thinking of an older person saying this to me. Worrying and trying to figure out what to do — right then — to protect her and keep her here and safe. I’m hoping I said something sane and sensible. A quilting friend of mine reminded me that CL doesn’t know what death is, she thinks it’s a place. CL will be eight years old in July.
These kids don’t understand death yet. They have never had a loved one die before. The only thing they have ever had die in their lives was a cat and that was several years ago. They were much younger and understood even less then. They’ve had to give away cats since them. To them, I’m sure, there wasn’t much difference in the ones they gave away disappearing and the one that died disappearing. The concept of their mother dying and them not being able to go to her and see her is just not within their realm of thinking at this point. It’s so hard to explain. I know the funeral will help to some degree. But I also know that all of this religion stuff about seeing momma in heaven when we get there is adding to the problem.
I want to do all I can to help my grandchildren through this horror that has become their lives. I know they’ll come through it, forever changed, but they will survive. My son will survive and I will certainly survive, but I’m going to need a lot of naps. Dear Lord, help us all.