Clean

When I hear the word           “clean” nowadays I go into a kind of panic.  I can’t say that I’ve ever been a great house keeper.  I don’t enjoy house work.  (Which is rather sad since I’ve been a “house wife” for the majority of my marriage.)  Although I really do enjoy a clean house.  The activities of making a clean house are irritating to me — nothing seems to stay clean for even a little while.  House cleaning is frustration in all capital letters to me and lots of exclamation points and jumping up and down while shaking my fists and screaming a primal scream!  It — seems — so– pointless.  But if you don’t do it, you end up with what I have now and baby — that is not pretty — or fun — or relaxing.  I hate being embarrassed to have anyone over.  I know you think I’m exaggerating about this, but my cousin Mike told me that he would like to come visit me and I put him off.  I did.  I’ve put him off twice now.  I even told him why, but I’m sure he doesn’t believe me.   

I kept a pretty clean house while my son was at home and while my dad was alive, but when dad died, I went into a depression.  I was emotionally and physically exhausted from caring for him, but I still don’t think his death caused the depression.  I think it triggered it.  Rest alone didn’t help.   I just stopped doing anything.  Period.  After a while, I knew I needed help.  And I asked for it.  I was put on medication and I am still on it — 15 years later.  My doctor thinks I will always be on anti-depressants.  We’ll see.  I’m hopeful that I will not have to be.  In fact, I have cut down on them in the last year or so and that is even with all that has gone on in my life in the last year. 

I want my home to be the kind of clean again that makes me think of new copper pennies.  I actually want it to be that kind of clean before Thanksgiving of this year.  I want to have all of my family here for Thanksgiving this year.  The last year they were all here was the last Thanksgiving that my dad was alive.  I don’t know that anything will beat that special day for me, but I’d like to celebrate my son and grandchildren being here this year and living close to Texas.  I’d like to celebrate the lives of the women we lost this year.  I’d like to feel the love in my own home.  It’s been so very long.

To be able to have what I want this year, I have to clean and I have to clean a lot.  I honestly don’t know if I can do it.  I have a lot of reasons that I may not be able to accomplish this in the time frame I’ve set, or maybe they are excuses, but the thing is that I want this weight lifted off of me and I need it lifted off of me.  I need to start.

*These photos represent the cleaner parts of my home at the moment. 

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2 Responses to Clean

  1. Anyes says:

    Putting into words what you want:"Having your family over for Thanksgiving" will be very helpful in taking smalls steps toward the "new copper pennies" clean you want to reach by Thanksgiving.Very insightful post and very brave.

  2. aliceinparis says:

    Have you ever visited http://www.flylady.com/Really a great site to help you get motivated. Do something everyday. All the bits add up. Write the goals for the day down. Make small ones and get them done. You can do it and you will feel great.

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