Delayed Grief

I’m going to tell you right now, you may not want to read this.

I realized today that I am still in the early stages of the grieving process for my daughter-in-law.  That or I’m just a horrible person, because I’m mad as hell at her!  The Kübler-Ross model has 5 stages of grief

  1. denial
  2. anger
  3. bargaining
  4. depression
  5. acceptance

3/24/11 My drug of choice -- coke again 😦

I am deep in the anger stage with her and I have been for the last several days.  In fact, I think I’ve gone through the other stages over the last year, but I think I’ve gone back into the anger stage in the last three days.  Logically, I know that she was mentally ill.  I learned much more about just how mentally ill she had been in the weeks following her death than I had ever suspected.  She had us so fooled and for so very long!  Logically, I know that drug addiction is an illness, but damn it to hell if she had not been so selfish, so self-centered, she’d be here to take care of her children who need HER!  Not some facsimile of her in their gramma!  She flat our neglected her son, who would not be having all the problems he’s still having now, if she had been a mother to him while she was alive.  She lied to everyone she talked to, just for the fun of it.  She lied to doctors to get more and more and still more medication.  She frightened her girls and turned the oldest one into the momma of the family.  She does not know how to be a child.

I’m here with the kids because their dad is working extra hours and days right now.  I’ll take the oldest to her first dance tomorrow night.  I know she would love to have her momma here to fix her hair.  Her momma was good at that.  I am not.  I didn’t have little girls and I never fixed my hair in fancy ways when I was a kid, so I don’t have the faintest idea of how to do it.  The whole time she’s getting ready I’ll be thinking, YOU should be here, you selfish witch, but I won’t really be thinking witch.  I am one angry gramma right now.

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One Response to Delayed Grief

  1. Anyes says:

    So many emotions are taking place when we grieve. Those grand-children are so lucky to have you as a grand-ma no matter how pretty you tie hair ribbons. Sending you love and praying for you, Sharon

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